Four days before the Inauguration

I want to write about my pain

my disconnect

my loss

Ours.

But it’s too early.

Suspended:

What happens next?

after everything that happened

A fear I never knew I’d know

not here

in America.

America: what I once thought

of you

what I now know.

A deep break in my heart.

A wound I am not sure I want to heal.

Our understanding

changed

“It can’t happen here”

but slavery did — unlike the world had ever seen

and lynchings

and burnings: of whole neighborhoods and of city blocks, the wrong color

and cops killing in broad daylight

and children killing children

also in broad daylight encouraged: your right

and families separated long before Family Separations: from your very founding, America

and

and

and

*

and

I should have known.

Should have I?

America. Heart

less

400,000 dead

No time for mourning: the economy

Oh heart of mine

Stop hurting but don’t heal. Don’t forget.

*

If I had known.

23 years. Ago. Do you want to move? Are you sure? Life will be different there.

Oh yes.

Oh, how little did I know.

*

And now: I want to write about my pain. Ours.

But it’s too early.

suspended.

What happens today?

tomorrow?

after everything that happened

What happens

Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? the Wednesday of countdowns.

Thursday will be okay?